the true meaning of Christmas..

 
So yesterday I was supposed to post the winner of the Audrey Bandley Cd.. and Christmas Eve just got crazy spending time with friends and family.. as it should be.. so I thought I would post it today.. but before I do, I wanted to share with you a story about the true meaning of Christmas.

As many of you know, my dad passed away a few months ago, on August 1st. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through. I was very close to my dad.. my parents divorced when I was 7 and a few years after the divorce I moved to Boise, to live with him. Then after my husband and I got married, my dad moved to Shelley and somehow we followed.  What a blessing it was, because my children really go to know their Grandpa Campbell.  My dad was amazing.. he was one of the most, if not the most selfless people I know. He gave litterally the shirt of his back to total strangers (and his car.. and his house.. and his time..).. he was my hero. He died of a massive heart attack in church.. we were attending my younger brother's baby blessing, and so my dad and his wife, my mom and her husband, and most of my brothers and sisters were there along with grand kids, etc. They  had just got done blessing my newphew and my dad had just taken the sacrment, when my husband< Ben,  whipsered to me, "I think something is wrong with your dad".  I looked over (he was sitting next to Ben on the bench) and his eyes were closed and he looked like he was struggling for breath. He was having a massive heart attack.. He died a few minutes later.  He  was young (61).. he lived down the street from me, he was in my ward (went to the same church service as I did). He spent so much time with my kids and my family... it was a blessing..  but for the last few months I have had my moments of breakdown and meltdowns and just good old fashioned cries. There was one day in particular that caught me off guard. It was December 1st and I had decided to tackle cleaning my bedroom.. which was seriously embarrassing. I sat down in front of one of my book cabinets to start putting stuff away, when I noticed a few books my dad had given me just weeks before he died. Then I noticed an odd notebook and opened it to find pages and pages of my dads handwriting.. notes and thoughts he had written down while reading books, listening to church talks, during church meetings etc. I flipped open to a page and this caught me eye

 

It read: "we are better than we know- and closer to home than we know. Everything we do, what we do- our families, parents, grandparents- The ripple, worth without end, Love the connects us to before"

..... and I broke down.. sobbing.. crying.. it was like massive tears.. i was crying so hard I was doing that ugly little cry where your shoulders are moving up and down.. I wanted my dad. The only thing I could think of for comfort in that moment was to have something of his.. a piece of clothing, that I could wrap myself up in. I threw some boots on (still in my pj's of course).. and drove to my dad's house a block away. I knew my step mom would be at work, but I didn't think she would mind.. so I went into his closest and found that most of his clothes were already packed away.. which caught me off guard.I expected to see them all still hanging up or on the shelves. We all need to grieve and heal in our own way. I started looking for something.. I didn't know what, but I wanted something that reminded me of him. I saw sweaters, I saw shirts.. old coats, but that wasn't it.. I wanted his church shirt.. and the tie he was wearing.. the one he had one when he died. The last day I saw him.. the last time I saw him smile,  the last time saw him put his hands on my nephew's head and use his preisthood to  help issue a name and a blessing.... The last time I saw him take the sacrament and remember the atonement of our Savior. But I couldn't find it. I saw white shirts, but I just didn't think  any of those were the one. So I settled on an old flannel shirt and a sweater. I went home and wore them both.. all day.. and just like always.. the next day, I woke up and things were back to normal, life was good again.

So that brings us to today.. or maybe I should start with last night.. Every Christmas Eve, for the last years.. as many as we have lived here, we have spent it at my dad's house.. All of the kids and grand-kids that can make it, would come to his house for food and games.. but we would also..at my dad's request.. before anything else; would dress the grandkids like shepherds, and angels and someone would play the mother Mary, and the father Joseph and we always had a baby Jesus.. and my dad would read the story of the birth of Christ. It was tradition. Something we just always did. Well this year I knew it would be hard to get everyone together..and it wouldn't be the same without Dad, after all.. it was his thing.   So I wanted to just do something totally different. Something that wasn't a tradition.. maybe start a new tradition?  So this year Ben and I decided to go with some friends to an early movie and out to dinner and then come home as a family and open our family pj's and watch movies.. and hang out.  Something new.. something to just be different. Well the movie was sold out, when we showed up and so we ended up going to a movie at the cheap theatre... one that we had already seen 4 times.. (oh boy my kids loved that). OH!! and we got a flat tire on the way, so ben had to go to Walmart while we were at the movie and get our tire fixed.. so he wasn't even there.  Dinner was great but the kids were all  playing and fighting and I think our waitress was going to have a fit.... so I was kinda excited to just get home and get our "christmas" pj's on and relax and watch a movie.   Well on the way home.. it hit me. I MISSED MY DAD.. I said aloud.. " my heart missed my dad tonight".. and then I lost it.. I cried silently all the way home.. but my kids and husband knew. Everyone was silent.  I wanted to see my dad. My son, Braden,  was driving so I turned to him and whispered.. "can you take the other way home.. past the cemetery".. and he nodded his head.. yes. When he pulled into the Cemetery, I literally ran through the snow to his grave.. and again.. the big ugly cry came on.. UGH!! that is NOT  how this night was supposed to go! WHen we got home, I just knew what we had to do to make it all right.  I gathered my kids around and said.. it's tradition.. we HAVE To do it.. we were in our pj's but we didn't care. We got my dad's bible and headed over to his house to do an impromptu reading of the Christmas Story for my step mom, Maria.  at my dads house.. where it should be done.   As we drove the short block over, I could see it in my head, we would come to the door, singing a cChristmas carol, with our bible in hand.. and we would re-in-act with our little family the birth of Christ for Maria....and we would all cry and all laugh and the night would end as it should.   EXCEPT when we got there, she wasn't home.. what?  This is NOT how I imagined my night going. So back to our house we went.. we decided to just do it at our house with our kids, except when Ben read it, our kids were not paying attending and kids were fighting over who got to hold the cat.. and oh my gosh.. could this night just be over already? So we went to bed.. and all I wanted was sleep.

Well I woke up this morning, as usual, life was good again..  and was super excited for Christmas day! After we did our "presents to the Savior", our kids tore through their presents and I was just as excited as they were to open mine. I had given Ben a list.. not a long one.. but a list I just KNEW he would get me:

a gift card to Dickblick.com, knee socks to wear with my boots, a book from barnes and noble.. an Iflip video, and some bath salts.. pretty simple right?

Well, as I looked down at my gifts.. there was one that stood out to me.. it said "b+c" on it. It was a small box.. and I grabbed for it first. My husband said quickly.. no! not that one.. so I put it down and grabbed another one instead.   First gift:  a bottle of Exclamation (that I wore in high school???).. what was my husband thinking? I was thinking he was wanting to re-enact when we first met?? weird. .. Second gift:a video wall player that we had purchased this past year to use ata show, so we could play videos on how to put our jewelry together.. (we could never figure out how to get it to work, so we put it on a shelf.. we he got it out and put old pictures of past trips on it for me).. totally sweet.. but not an iflip and not really something NEW?..  Third gift: a tripod for my camera.. for work, to take steady pictures on.. okay.. so far.. we are 0 for 3.. but that's okay.. right?  I needed the tripod. So... I had the one gift left.. it was the small box that had written in black sharpie pen, (B + C).. my husband's signature way of telling me it was something special.

 

It MUST be the dickblick gift card.. it has to be! Or a note saying I could go pick out my own IFlip.. had to be!.. but then i opened the box..

 

I didn't recognize what is was...  but I heard my husband say to my son Braden, (who was recording everyone opening their gifts) .. "don't record mom on this one".. I noticed an odd looking braided thing, that looked kinda like a bracelet.. and  then I read the letter..

 

"somehow I ended up with your dad's shirt and tie. I wanted you to have a little piece of your dad with you for Christmas. I hope this is okay. I know he is doing a great thing. If he received one gift for Christmas I bet it would be to peak in on his family and be a part of their celebration too. Your Father in Heaven loves to see you happy and wants the best for you. So does your Father in the spirit world. I know it's hard  and I don't know exactly what I can do for you. Know that I see your pain and admire your strength. I love your testimony and your soul. Being in love is not about who you choose to marry and live with, it's who you can't live without. That's you. I love you, Ben"

and then it hit me.. I remembered...that at the church.. while they were trying to save my dad's life.. they brought him from the chapel out into the foyer and laid him on the floor. They cut his shirt and tie from his body and began mouth to mouth, to try and save his life. The continued until the ambulance arrived.. they never did regain a pulse.. but when the ambulance got there,  my step mom, Maria and my brothers, sister and I,  followed it to the hospital where he was pronounced dead. Back the church, one of the members, who had moved the cut shirt and tie out of the way, folded it and gave it to my husband. Ben had told Maria later that he had had it.. but she hadn't wanted it back. I had no idea he had it all along.. and for Christmas.. he made me this..

 

A simple braided bracelet, made out of a piece of my dad's  church shirt and the old- out of style tie.. he wore almost every sunday... the ones he was wearing the day he died.  I cried as I read the letter.. he was right.. Braden shouldn't record. I cried as I put the bracelet on.. I cried as I ran my fingers over the pieces of cloth that my husband so lovinglymade. I didn't get anything on my  Christmas list.. but I got the one thing, that meant more to me than ANY of those gifts combined... I was shown the true meaning of Christmas.

My husband is amazing.. I am always so grateful for his thoughtful gifts each year.. for the tender mercies the Lord puts in our paths.. to give us love and hope at the moments we need them. We are so blessed.. so blessed to have a Savior, who loved us, and came to this earth so that we could be together as families once again. I know I will see my dad some day.. I Know I will get to be with him and my own family.. I know he is in happy place, and that he is here when I need him most. I am grateful for a Father in Heaven that allows me to feel my dad's love.. when I don't think I will ever again.. wow.. I am so blessed.

I am grateful for this holiday, that allows us to Celebrate the Saviors birth.. and the true meaning of the season..

thanks for letting me share this kinda of long and personal story..  I hope you all had a wonderful christmas too..

before I go.. I promised to announce the winner of the Audrey Bandly CD.. but I think I will wait and do it another day... if that's okay.. Merry Christams to you all!  Hope it's a warm and wonderful day.. and all remember.. the true meaning of Christmas.

 

Comments

[Suzelle Kasaian]

I have no words......just a lump in my throat and a warm heart from your beautiful story......

[September]

Can't stop crying. I lost my dad when he was only 58, 21 years ago and still miss him every day. I have his high school ring.... And 2 oil painting and a gazillion memories. Sending you hugs and love. Beautiful post. Your dad will always be in your heart. <3

[Julianne (aka "pinkscrapper")]

Christy, my heart aches, breaks, and bleeds for you my beautiful angel. Thank you so very much for writing this, sharing this, and brightening my day as I spend the day alone. I know this is not how my Mom would ever want me to spend this glorious holiday, but thank you to you and our other BG sisters, it is the choice I have made.
I love you and am here for you always, forever and ever in my thoughts and prayers. Much love to you and your beautiful family!
Julianne

[Heather]

Christy, my heart is thinking of you today and of the loss you are healing from. I love this post, probably more than any post you've done as it shares your raw, open heart - and echo's so very many of my thoughts at Christmas. The Lord is amazing, merciful, and loves us beyond measure. I am so grateful for that knowledge! Merry Christmas!

[ivyPINK]

Awe christy merry Christmas! I was crying the whole time I was reading this! My thoughts are with you today. Thank you for sharing with us this heart warming story it really touched my heart.

[Lynda aka alrlsmom]

What a moving post Christy...what an amazing precious gift... I hope your day is magical! xxoo

[Jessica Dougherty]

Wow, what a thoughtful & meaningful gift. I am so sorry for your loss - can't even imagine how hard it must be to get out of bed each day...but how lucky you are to have such a loving family who sees what a strong, spiritual & loving woman you are. Hugs to you all. And wishing you a very blessed Christmas & all the best in 2011! Jessica D. (aka Funky Finds)

[Aimee B. in Oregon]

Hi Christy,

I lost my mom on 7/24 she was 63 years old. She had several medical issues but nothing that were to end her life so suddenly. She always wrote the kids Christmas Stories; the other day my oldest (10) asked if Gramma Buzz was writing their stories in Heaven this year. Growing up she loved the Carpenters Christmas Album. I can still see it.... I was remembering my mom and Christmas and The Carpenters the other day so I hopped on youtube.... The first song that came up was Karen singing "Merry Christmas Darling" I cant help but to think it was playing just for me from my mom.

I cried.... alone... in front of my computer.... remembering... crying.

I am so sorry that you've lost your dad, I really am. I am so happy that Ben was so thoughtful with your Christmas present. What a gift.

~Aimee

[dawn sabalinski]

Merry Christmas Christy~You are a strong soul and your dad is very proud! Your husband is truly a great guy ! May you have a Holiday that keeps you warm inside and smiling outside!

[Pam Urban]

Christy, what a wonderful, loving, personal story you shared with everyone. Isn't it amazing how you can feel so close to someone you have never met, yet feel like you KNOW that person because she has shared her heart with you. (Does that make sense?) I know that desperation, the NEED to have something close to you to cling to when you have lost a loved one. My mother died last month and I am in that state of desperation for something to comfort me. My entire body is so full of tears that I am not able to see the miracles right now, but hearing your miracle was absolutely beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

[Amy Walker]

Wow...I can't stop crying Christy!!! I am truly touched by your heart-warming story. What a wonderful man you have for a husband. Wow.....that is just awesome!! I got goosebumps when I got to the part about your present. I hope you and your family have a truly blessed Christmas day!!
(((Hugs)))

[Jennifer]

what a beautiful story. I am so very sorry for your loss, but know that he is waiting for you because this life is not all there is. XOXO Merry Christmas!

[lori jolley]

Happy Christmas Christy and Ben and all your family!!! That is so sweet! What a treasure!

[Kathy Huntsman]

I understand this love between a father and daughter and losing your Father too soon. The pain eases with time but there is always that spot that aches and misses inside - especially for special occasions! You are such a special woman and I am blessed to know you and your family! What a wonderful husband you have! Love you! Kathy

[mandyb]

i am all choked up .... my nana died christmas eve 8 years ago and i still miss her!!!

i too collect precious things of hers that i hold dear,,,,,and old brush/mirror set the thing i love the most.

so glad someone kept something special for you xxx

[Tami F.]

All I can say is...wow! Tears are streaming down my face. I know what it's like to lose your father as mine passed away at the young age of 49 almost 10 years ago. I miss him so very much and when I open this one bin that holds the stuff I have, I can still smell him..it's a way of having him with me always! Bless you and may you find peace over time. Merry Christmas to you and your family!!

[Angela Magnuson]

i had to escape the chaos of 5 boys in my family - i chose to run a bath. now i am sitting in my bubble bath crying....thank you, for being so raw and real. my heart goes out to you wide open. may your dad bring you a moment of peace today straight from the heavens that you know like you know like you KNOW is right from him.

[Laci]

beautiful.

[Lori]

What a wonderful amazing oportunity for you and yours, God blesses us in so many ways..You are one fortunate lady to have all of that love I am so grateful you shared that story..wow

[Sabrina isaac]

Christy, Merry Christmas, thank you for sharing your story. That was a wonderful gift, a simple one that will touch your heart every time you see it touch it and smell it. God Bless ! Sabrina.

[Ki Kruk]

A truly beautiful and personal story...thank you so much for sharing it. Tears were streaming down my cheek while I read your words.
Merry Christmas to you and your family and God Bless!

[Tracy Colcord]

Thank you for sharing. My mother passed away 13 years ago this December but the traditions she started and I continue each year always make her feel closer as do the simple things of hers I have with me. Merry Christmas.

[janet]

merry christmas...thanks for the christmas spirit...love the bracelet... what a wonderful gift...love to you this holiday season!

[Cheryl S]

Christy,your story is so beautiful! God bless you and your family and Merry Christmas. Thank you for sharing!

[Robyn Glazner]

Christy - Thank you sooo much for sharing this amazing story! Out of all the people who I have seen move on in this life Uncle Van has been the hardest by far. Uncle Van was truly an amazing man! Thankfully he has left us with many found memories, by the life he lived, that will help us find joy until we are blessed to see him again. I haven't had the chance to get to know Ben too well but I can tell from this loving act that he is a very special man and I am so happy you are blessed with his eternal friendship to help you get through this. We love you and thank you again for sharing this experience, it was perfecting worded as the true meaning of Christmas!!